returning

i can't believe the last time i posted on leafdropper was in november 2006. no, i did not run out of things to say. it's just that i lost the password for this and i never succeeded in remembering it. of course there' s this thing where you can request to retrieve it for you but problem is i also forgot the email address associated with this. anyway, i was just rummaging through all of my old notebooks when i chanced upon the very password and email address and so excitedly i signed in. whoossssh!! there! my posts of old. very much intact. thank you much. i was able to relive some portions of my life.

and therefore i am again reminded of how important keeping a diary, or a journal, or for these days, a blog, is. it affords one, especially one like me, whose senses are starting to dull, to record history, one's own. and one's thoughts, however trivial they might seem to be. of course, if one does not care a whit of what others say then nothing that one says or writes will ever be trivial. every detail of one's life is important. every exhalation is as relevant as the next inhalation.

i remind myself. i write this because of me. i want to keep a semblance of a record of my thoughts. and i do this because from time to time i want to go back. to relive a portion of my life. if ever somebody chances upon this history and finds meaning in these too, then fine. let these serve some other purpose.

so, i'll be resuming this. i made it a point to write down my password and email address on several notebooks and kept them safe. unless of course i forget where i've put these notebooks. it's good to be able to return. it's a nice feeling to reminisce and relive old thoughts. sometimes i wonder, did i really write all these stuff? silly me. but then, i say back to myself -- congratulations! you were able to write history, you're a historian.

many things had changed. mom and dad were gone now. mom first then a year later dad. their death have no fanfare. mom just did not wake up one morning, no struggles, no pains, just simply dying. her face so peaceful, like from a long-sought sleep after some heavy work. dad for his part had this -- after mom passed away, we noticed him becoming silent and not so active. when mom was alive he was the one nursing her from day-to-day. so it seemed when she passed away, there was this large chunk of his time that he just can't seem to fill up with activities. we encouraged him to try to mingle with friends. reminded him that he should be able to do this now since he has no one to take care of. unlike before. but he never was able to fully fill up his days. he was scheduled for a routine check up and my brother and one of our cousins were to drive him to see his doctor. it happened on their way to the hospital. it was they said a heart attack. he just sat there inside the car. never complained of anything. when they reached the hospital, he's gone. was never revived. he's like that, even if feeling uncomfortable, will keep the discomfort to himself, just so he will not be a burden to others.

on these two occasions it was my brother who was given the opportunity to be with the ones we love. to be able to savor the last warmth of their bodies, to smell that faint, slowly fading scent of life. and rightfully so because it was he who had mostly attended to them when they were alive. i could not spend much time. i am struggling with my own life. and so it is just fitting that he be afforded those last moments. when i arrived, mom is so cold. death is. when i reached the hospital, dad was cold too. silently i offered my prayers. petitioned the Infinite to take them to His loving bosom. i offered my apologies too for things i was not able to do. for each. and which i will never be able to do.

death is real. i remembered on those two separate occasions when i held their cold hands, i did not shed a tear. deep in my heart i know it is just their physical selves that left us. there is this undying part of them that will live on, that will continue to guide and help both my brother and me and our families as we keep on living our own lives until our own time to depart this earthly existence comes. i am positive of this.