" don't grow old ... "

it was near the end of my shift when i received this call. during one of those periods in a typical call center's workday when calls come in trickles and one's mind starts to wander and march ahead to what one needs to do after work -- visit a friend, window-shop in a mall, or actually step inside a favorite restaurant and pig out on some glorious food normally reserved to be eaten only if there is a special occassion.

"i need to close my account," her voice is soft as if she is whispering over the phone, "i need to close my account," she repeated without me prompting her to do so. i noticed this hesitancy in her voice. i strained my ears to listen to her carefully.

"why? what's the matter?" i tried to sound as concerned as i can.

"i won't be able to afford this anymore," she replied."in fact, i won't be able to afford anything anymore. my husband had died and i will no longer receive his pension. mine is not sufficient enough to sustain my needs." she continued. now there is a hint of sadness in her words.

"i am alone now, i'm selling this house and i'll be moving in with my daughter. and she has her own account for your service so i don't need to keep my account anymore,"she explained," oh, i don't want to leave this house, i don't want to sell it, me and my husband has lots of fond memories in this house,"she exclaimed.

before i can say anything she blurted out again,"but i can't help it, i am old now, and none of my children wants to live with me, they have their own families to attend to now. oh, it will be difficult to live with any of them, i wont be able to do things that i am accustomed to do in this house. it's different if you will live in a house which is not yours, even if you're with one of your children."

"i agree with that,"i was able to squeeze in,"no matter how small your house is, the feeling is different. a man is a king in his own home,"i quoted. i don't know where i read this but the words were forced out of my mouth.

she is sobbing now over the phone. i can't help but picture her in my mind -- an old lady in a very big house, with lots of furniture inside, lots of pictures hanging on the walls, silent witnesses of happy days long gone, amusing herself with her favorite television game show, passing the time away by herself.

" i think my daughter will transfer me soon to a nursing home,"she suddenly confided to me, she is really crying now, i can sense fear in her hoarse voice," i don't want to go ..." her voice trailed off.

i don't know what to say. "now, now, why will she do that? i know she loves you!" i reassured her.

"she does, i know,"she answered back,"but she wont be able to take care of me. she has her own family to attend to now,"she sighed. she is still weeping. oh, how sad she was! but this is america. i reminded myself. this is an american reality.

i really don't have anything to say now. in my job we have parameters to meet, to keep. one of those is the handling time for a call. i have to meet the standard handling time. i cannot allow a call to be long.

"at the onset,"i told her,"you said you want to close your account. i'm sorry to hear this, but it's your decision. i have to connect your call now to our permanent disconnection team so you can formally terminate your account. kindly hold, i will transfer your call to this group."

"ok, i'm sorry,"she replied apologetically, still sobbing.

"no problem,"i said," i'm transferring your call now."

before i pressed the transfer button i heard her whisper on the phone."thank you, if you can help it, don't grow old." and she was gone ....

i would have said to her i can't do that. i can't fight time. i can't fight nature.

but .... i can age gracefully. i can be alone but not feel unhappy. and if my child will not take care of me i will seek refuge elsewhere. to where Love is Unending, and Love is Unbending. i have great faith in the One that makes us all and makes us be. i am confident He will keep me in His Holy Company.

i was able to resolve the issue on her call. yet, i feel empty after. i was not able to serve her. closing the account is not the real help she needs ....

waiting

two day's ago, father was way too early to be knocking on my door.

"son," he said, "your mom's calling on you. she's having some chest pains, could you come and see her?"

it was about 6 in the morning and i had just woken up from a hard night's sleep. i hurried over to the other house with father hardly able to keep in step with me. like mom he's also advanced in age. mom's about 81 now while he'sabout 79. unlike mom, though, he's still very mobile while mom never really recovered her mobility after she suffered a stroke 4 years back. what's surprising was while her doctor claimed that she had recovered about 94% of her good condition, she never exhibited such recovery. after the stroke, she became too reliant on father. she demanded that father be constantly at her beck and call.

and so father became her nurse and her companion. it was difficult to see father like that. although he's already a retiree, father is still very active in his extra curricular activities. these he lost all when he devoted most of his time to attend to mom. but as his husband he must perform his duty. when they got married it was part of their vow -- to take care of one another always.

i entered mom's room and there she was lying, eyes half closed. when i held her hand she clasped my hand tightly and opened her eyes. she smiled a faint smile, and pointed to her chest. she's having difficulties speaking now. she resorts mostly to signs and gestures.

i asked her loudly, "are you having trouble breathing?" no, she shook her head. "is your chest still painful?" yes, she nodded. "shall we bring you to the doctor?" no.

she motioned to me to come nearer her. she wanted to whisper something to me -- "this is just natural for someone who's close to dying," she whispered in my ear.

it's my turn to shake my head. but she smiled again. and stroked my hand as if convincing me. her eyes were half-closed once again. how could she suffer like this, i thought. how could someone be gifted with long years of life but spend that existence in pain and misery? it's been taught things happen for a purpose. things happen so one can pay back. to even things out. if one had planted seeds of negativity one will one day reap negative fruits. if one had planted seeds of positivity, one will gather positive fruits. either way one is getting a payback. either way one will have the opportunity to even things out with the Great Creator and with one's fellowmen.

i stroked mother's hand in turn.