twenty-two

i'm supposed to be sleeping since i have to go to work this evening. i'm on what we call the graveyard shift. work begins at 1:00 am but i need to leave home at about 11 pm.  so i need to sleep in the daytime to prepare myself.

but i can't find sleep.  the wife is away at work. we'll not be able to see each other much this week and the coming week.  she just texted  via her mobile phone she's not feeling fine. she said she's thinking she might have caught the flu.  tired, she said.  yet, she can't rest much. she's with her bosses. i told her to take it easy. we're not getting younger.  hope she gets better soon as possible.

last november 17, we marked our twenty-two years of being together.  i realized time has really flown so fast.  these years were of course with its ups and downs.  but. we managed it and we hope to manage it for the ensuing years.  i know, my simple living did not grant her any substantial things --  not a beautiful house; not a fat bank account; there was a second-hand car that we  were able to enjoy for a while but was not able to claim back from the car repair shop when it broke down.

i'd like to thank her for sticking it out with me.  for appreciating my crude music. my attempt at poetry.  my laziness.  my not being able to become rich. my not keeping up with the Joneses.

for this 22nd year of bearing with me, i'd like to share with her this beautiful song.  this is from one of my favorite guitarists of all time, wes montgomery.  wes entitled it i've grown accustomed to her face.

wes' notes brought tears to my eyes.  what i cannot say in words, wes' notes is saying for me ...

thank you for being with me ...

pieces of us

 i was on my way home from work. i chanced to drop by the supermarket to buy some fresh bean curd and vegetables from the mall's supermarket for the ensuing week.

i ascended the escalator and as i got off i noticed this small pink object at the escalator's landing.  it was the right half of a little girl's sandals.  i stopped to check if someone will be coming back to retrieve it.  minutes had passed and no one returned. i imagined the little one might have gotten tired and asked to be carried. that's when she dropped her right sandal and not any of her companions had noticed.  i imagined she might have looked back. she might have called the attention of her companions but they were so engrossed with their business at the mall. or, they might have thought that, well, it's just an old sandal and not worth looking for or retrieving. 


we are as this little one.  we leave pieces of ourselves behind. every day. every minute of our lives. we leave something behind. some are worth looking back at or returning for, some we'd like to discard and altogether forget. yet, we know these pieces are part of us and we cannot totally disengage.  most of these are in our deepest memories,  in our mind's eye.  most pieces of us that we'd like to discard are those that brought pain and inconveniences and failures. and yet, come to think of it, these pieces of us were the ones that brought the greatest lessons in life.  as we go on the journey towards self-discovery, towards what that great sage, don juan matus,  referred to as "totality of Self", we find pieces of our jigsaw puzzle self.  we'd like to think that some pieces do not fit, so we just let them go.

 yet, like this little girl"s sandals, without the right half, what will be the use of the left half?

 

we are, as we march through Life's journey, finding our true identity.  our true purpose.  our true selves.

we cannot deny some pieces of us that we find undesirable. we have to accept all we discover about ourselves,

so we can find our

true totality. 

barcelona

when she disclosed that her boyfriend is going to barcelona for something like a few year's working stint there, immediately, our office mates, even i, teased her about it.  we reminded her how barcelona is in sunny spain.  home of beautiful spanish senoritas with fluttering eyelashes and long, shapely legs, and wavy, ebony tresses and slim hips that sway rhythmically along with the mesmerizing cadence of castanets. she  got teased that her boyfriend will definitely find a lovely senorita to replace her.

she took these teasing all in stride. smiling rather confidently. but in time, she became quiet and i believe the teasing has gotten into her.  who would not be?  between the philippines and barcelona is a vast physical distance, and several years of physical separation really will weigh a lot between lovers.

well, love is best when it is able to pass tests.

love must pass the test of constancy or inconstancy. lovers being apart in place and time will test the bond of love. the two hearts must be strong, must be constant, must not waver.  when one heart succumbs then love will fail.  love must have an anchor. love must have a nest. it must have a home to return to.

of course, lovers must anticipate weaknesses.  and indiscretions.  yet, if love is true and strong, heart should rebound and realize the mistake after falling to moments of forgetfulness.  it should remember, and cleanse itself and return to its rightful nest.  to the other heart that awaits it and complements it and makes it  whole.

true,  great love does not impose conditions. true, great  love accepts but most every time it gives.

true, great love can move away, yet it should return .. and even with more intensity and fondness ..

"dad,"  she asked me,"will you blog about this?"
 "of course," i replied,"i will."

looking at her worried eyes, i was tempted to tell her that this particular occasion will be a test of their love and she should welcome this; this will prove how strong their bond is. how constant their hearts are. yet, i did not tell her.

their hearts will instinctively know.

barcelona is in sunny spain. it has its lovely maidens and enticing staccato of castanets and romantic spanish guitars.  if this other heart will move there, it should return later after it completes its sojourn,

it should find that its true, sunny barcelona is right here, in the philippines, in this young woman's heart  ....

the hunter failed the hunt

my wife had already left after our late lunch. i decided to bide my time at the mall. i was so full with the delicious vegetarian dish i ate i deemed it necessary for me to walk around a bit till the bloated feeling subsided.

well, this mall is already preparing for the christmas holidays. lots of decorations are already in place. enticements in very conspicuous places. reminders to shoppers about forthcoming sales. wow! i can't deny i was not affected by these various calls to part with my hard earned money.  i had to go inside several stores to look at the advertised wares.  i'll wait till december to decide if i really need them.

i got tired of window shopping so i propped myself in one of the two-seater corner tables in the mall's fastfood area.  i  took out the latest book i bought from my favorite book sematary and read on.  this was the plague dogs by richard adams.  i'm just in the early pages but having read adams' watership down i know i'd be well rewarded again by this excellent author.

a young lady occupied a seat by the other table beside mine. she looked worried. agitated. she was perspiring and kept fanning herself despite the air-conditioning. she was obviously waiting for someone.  a short while later, a young man seated beside the young lady. they exchanged hurried hellos.  the young man was more agitated. he has this forlorn, dejected look in his face.  he unzipped his backpack and pulled out a plastic document case and placed it on the table. the lady fidgeted on the document case and opened it.  the man cupped his head between his hands not saying anything and looked sadly at the papers his companion was now examining.  they guy let his head droop further down towards the papers until his forehead touched them.

"but, they told you to come back tomorrow, didn't they?"  the lady blurted, " didn't they?"

 i did not hear any reply from the young man.  his head's still resting on the document case and papers on the table.  i snuck an immediate side glance.  both were not minding my being near them.  i saw the guy was silently weeping.   the lady was aware of this and tried to lift the guy's head upward, gently, lovingly.

 the lady asked again, " didn't they?"

"yes," it was a very faint answer from the guy, "i really don't know now what to do. can't seem to get them to hire me.  i passed the written exam."  he wiped the wetness in his eyes with the paper towel he pulled from somewhere beneath the papers that remained inside the plastic case. "that damn interview though. that interviewer. can't seem to please her."  he was explaining to himself not to his companion.  his head drooped forward again and rested on the papers.  he was no longer weeping.  " i really don't know what to do. what to say ... " his voice was begging for compassion.

"but, they told you to come back tomorrow, didn't they?" the young lady asked a third time.

"yes."  the guy gathered his papers on the table and shuffled them. he placed them back inside the plastic case.

"then,"  the young lady smiled a sweet smile to her young companion,"it means they have not totally rejected you.  you have to go back tomorrow!"

she has this wide-eyed expression of hope on her face. a pleading look. an enticing warmth on her words of encouragement. not very unlike those forceful sale come-ons i just came across while window shopping some time ago.  the young man wiped the remaining wetness in his face and eyes again.  he smiled back.

they both stood up and walked towards the escalator.  i followed the two with my eyes.  as the escalator ascended  i saw them hold hands.

 i know it is a strong grip. of assurance. of hope. of support.  of faith, that the next morning will be different.