are you lonesome tonight?

once i attended a spiritual gathering. the people were all enthusiastic. the spiritual energy was so high. ecstatic even. i was not a member of the spiritual group but i got invited by one of my friends who was a member.

prayers were uttered. religious songs were sung. songs of praise, of thankfulness, for blessings received and for more blessings expected to come, for more problems and life's hardships expected to be resolved by the Almighty, implored to be resolved as soon as He can, if i may say so.

there were dancing, clapping of hands, tears even, rejoicing, and the incessant assurances of the pastor that prayers will be heard and help will come and things will all be right. i have to admit the pastor is a powerful speaker and i know he speaks from his heart. at that moment, i believe there is full honesty in what he is trying to convey to people. he's good at what he's saying because he believed it, and i know that he must have experienced them, those things that he were relating to us that time. at one point, i must admit, he moved me to tears, he moved me to dance, to raise my hands in praise, he made me feel confident and good inside. may the Infinite bless him always!

after the congregation, i and my friend stayed behind for some small talk together with some of the new acquaintances he had introduced me to. they were trying to recruit me to join them. i politely declined.

" brother, we know you are fond of going to spiritual gatherings, do you have a favorite religious song?" one of the new friends asked me.

i smiled and thought for a while at this surprise question. "of course," i replied.

"good. what is it? can you sing it for us?" he shot back.

"i can sing, but you don't want me to," i warned,"i have a terrible voice."

"no, no, brother, we'd like to hear the song, we might be able to use it during one of the future gatherings, c'mon, please," he cajoled me as he handed me the guitar,"what's the title of the song?"

"ok, as you please,"i said as i took the guitar,"it's called 'are you lonesome tonight?' by elvis presley."

"huh?" my new friend was dumbfounded. i can sense it. "is that a religious song, brother?"he asked. the others did not say anything as i started to run my fingers over the fretboard trying to get my proper pitch. satisfied with the key, i plucked the guitar strings carefully. i closed my eyes and focused my sight inside, at the center of my forehead. that's where the seat of the soul is, the Old Masters had taught. and i started to sing,

" are you lonesome tonight?

do you miss Me tonight?

are you sorry we drifted apart?

does your memory stray,

on that bright sunny day,

when I kissed you and called you sweetheart?

do the chairs in your parlor

seem empty and bare

do you gaze at your doorstep

and picture Me there?

is your heart filled with pain

shall I come back again

tell me, dear, are you lonesome tonight?"

i opened my eyes. they were all looking at me. incredulously. the question was there, it was just unexpressed by anyone -- how can that be a religious song? i decided to answer that unexpressed question. "brothers, i said,"that was to me a great spiritual song. why? well, you might not have realized this, but the songs we were singing during the last concluded gathering were all songs coming from us for the Almighty, but this one i sang, try to savor the words, close your eyes with me, as i sing it again, go inside you, think, no, feel, and you'll see!"

i closed my eyes again and started to pluck the guitar once more. i don't know if they ever followed my advise to close their eyes, but i was so fired up now just as i always feel every time i hear or sing this song. i sang the song again, as solemnly as i can ... pretty soon, i can hear the others humming the song, hmmmm, hmmm, hmmm,. i let the last notes of the guitar trail off as i opened my eyes. i know a slight hint of tears had formed at the corners of my eyes.

they were all smiling now. faces radiant, i don't know why, but they look different. i know they realized what i had meant.

"brother," my new friend said," you are right! that is a GREAT song. it is the Almighty that is singing to us this time, it is as if He is showing His willingness to comfort us, we only need to be honest, and tell Him 'Yes, my Lord, i am lonesome tonight' and He will be there!"

i tapped him on the shoulders, and i saw he had formed tears at the corners of his eyes too! the others were still smiling at me. i know, they don't need to say it. it's crazy, but this love song by elvis presley, to me this is a Love Song from the Great Creator, the Divine Person whom we may address as Father or Mother or Beloved.

at night, when i feel lonesome, i hum this tune, or sing it as solemnly as i could, and i feel comforted. i close my eyes, i silently whisper in my heart -- my Beloved, i am lonesome, please return to me --

the Beloved comes to me and i sleep contentedly.

" don't grow old ... "

it was near the end of my shift when i received this call. during one of those periods in a typical call center's workday when calls come in trickles and one's mind starts to wander and march ahead to what one needs to do after work -- visit a friend, window-shop in a mall, or actually step inside a favorite restaurant and pig out on some glorious food normally reserved to be eaten only if there is a special occassion.

"i need to close my account," her voice is soft as if she is whispering over the phone, "i need to close my account," she repeated without me prompting her to do so. i noticed this hesitancy in her voice. i strained my ears to listen to her carefully.

"why? what's the matter?" i tried to sound as concerned as i can.

"i won't be able to afford this anymore," she replied."in fact, i won't be able to afford anything anymore. my husband had died and i will no longer receive his pension. mine is not sufficient enough to sustain my needs." she continued. now there is a hint of sadness in her words.

"i am alone now, i'm selling this house and i'll be moving in with my daughter. and she has her own account for your service so i don't need to keep my account anymore,"she explained," oh, i don't want to leave this house, i don't want to sell it, me and my husband has lots of fond memories in this house,"she exclaimed.

before i can say anything she blurted out again,"but i can't help it, i am old now, and none of my children wants to live with me, they have their own families to attend to now. oh, it will be difficult to live with any of them, i wont be able to do things that i am accustomed to do in this house. it's different if you will live in a house which is not yours, even if you're with one of your children."

"i agree with that,"i was able to squeeze in,"no matter how small your house is, the feeling is different. a man is a king in his own home,"i quoted. i don't know where i read this but the words were forced out of my mouth.

she is sobbing now over the phone. i can't help but picture her in my mind -- an old lady in a very big house, with lots of furniture inside, lots of pictures hanging on the walls, silent witnesses of happy days long gone, amusing herself with her favorite television game show, passing the time away by herself.

" i think my daughter will transfer me soon to a nursing home,"she suddenly confided to me, she is really crying now, i can sense fear in her hoarse voice," i don't want to go ..." her voice trailed off.

i don't know what to say. "now, now, why will she do that? i know she loves you!" i reassured her.

"she does, i know,"she answered back,"but she wont be able to take care of me. she has her own family to attend to now,"she sighed. she is still weeping. oh, how sad she was! but this is america. i reminded myself. this is an american reality.

i really don't have anything to say now. in my job we have parameters to meet, to keep. one of those is the handling time for a call. i have to meet the standard handling time. i cannot allow a call to be long.

"at the onset,"i told her,"you said you want to close your account. i'm sorry to hear this, but it's your decision. i have to connect your call now to our permanent disconnection team so you can formally terminate your account. kindly hold, i will transfer your call to this group."

"ok, i'm sorry,"she replied apologetically, still sobbing.

"no problem,"i said," i'm transferring your call now."

before i pressed the transfer button i heard her whisper on the phone."thank you, if you can help it, don't grow old." and she was gone ....

i would have said to her i can't do that. i can't fight time. i can't fight nature.

but .... i can age gracefully. i can be alone but not feel unhappy. and if my child will not take care of me i will seek refuge elsewhere. to where Love is Unending, and Love is Unbending. i have great faith in the One that makes us all and makes us be. i am confident He will keep me in His Holy Company.

i was able to resolve the issue on her call. yet, i feel empty after. i was not able to serve her. closing the account is not the real help she needs ....

now, about love

in my current job now i became a member of a team where almost all of my teammates were half of my age. during one of our team chats, suddenly from out of the blue, one of our female teammates confessed, "i am broken hearted!" we found out she had something like a misunderstanding with her boyfriend and they have to sort of cool off for the time being.

and so for a while, the team chat meandered to the subject of love. she was assured everything will turn out alright, for the better. she was advised if that guy is really the right person for her then all will turn out well in the end. then came the usual cliches on love -- love is giving and taking; love is surrender; " it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all .."; love is sacrifice ...

throughout all these, i just tried to take it all in stride. they are young. and love is still an adventure. but i'm confident that in time they will learn more about love. as for me, on the subject of love, i must admit, i will forever be a student. they are talking about love between two persons. lovers. they are arguing about the physical bond between two people. and the romantic bond between two opposite sexes. and the emotional bond. and the attachment.

this last item, attachment, this i think is what makes love difficult. this is what makes hearts go "broken". i can't help but hum that old BeeGees song where Barry Gibb wrote -- "how can you mend a broken heart, how can you stop the rain from falling down ..". practically, Barry Gibb is saying that it is almost impossible to mend a broken heart, as it is almost impossible to stop the rain from falling down.

non-attachment. this i think is what will prevent broken hearts. but, the big question is, how can one love and be non-attached? for now, i'll admit, i still wont be able to answer this question. however, there are those who say that non-attachment can be learned. that it can be cultivated. if you are not attached to things, to people that you love, it will be easy to let go. separation will not be a difficult situation to handle. because non-attachment will give you the confidence that separation is the best way out, that leaving is the best way to stay!

throughout the team chat i just watched my teammates amuse themselves on the subject of love. then all too suddenly, this remembrance came to my mind, and robotically i typed these words -- "love the one you're with." i can't remember now where i read these but i'm pretty sure it was from the lyrics of an old love song i can't recall now. but it stayed with me. these words.

when these words flashed on their screens, these elicited some amusement on most. one of my female teammates kidded me, "then i should love you because you're the one with me now!" well, i thought, that's actually not a bad idea. i smiled silently at this thought. but, that is not what i meant. or what is meant by the person who wrote those words. when i first read those words i took it literally. but in time, i learned to give it a different meaning.

who is the person we are always with?

our own self is the person we are always with. love thy self. love thy person. always. in loving oneself first, one will discover a lot of things. one will discover surrender. one will know giving. one will find confidence. and once one is confident, one will find non-attachment. because one will arrive at this realization -- one is complete by oneself.

family ties

november 1 is not just a day for remembering the dead. it is also for remembering the living who are nearing death. it is a duty for the family to care not so much for the healthy but more so for the sickly and suffering members. one must face reality. one must accept the fact that earthly life will end and a transition to the other worlds will come. our attachment to those we love makes this painful. and yet, how many of us seem now to distance ourselves from sickly and suffering family members? now that they are emaciated, skin and bones, and immobile, why do we not find time to be with them? how come we find it difficult to hold their cold hands, to whisper in their ears white lies of their "good"health, to talk with them face-to-face smelling their foul breath?

we must do all these now, while warm air is passing in and out of their nostrils, while their saliva can slide down the corners of their mouths, while their eyes are open, and the sunlight can still awaken them.

first

this will be my first entry on this blog. nothing much to say. things are really not moving much here in my corner of the universe. or, perhaps it just i who'd stagnated. as they say, " a rolling stone gathers no moss". i probably believe this now. i've just read emails from high school classmates and have found out how affluent they have now become. others are really owning condominium units and prime properties left and right. they are successful indeed! -- if material wealth is the measure of success.

i have nothing real to speak of. my 1989 mitsubishi galant' s still at the repair shop. it's been there since 2004. i have kept on promising the shop owner i'd soon get the money to pay him for his services. but until now i just can't manage to do so. gasoline prices have gone up since i took the car to his shop and i wonder if i really need it now. perhaps i'll just convince him to help me sell it.

right now i'm immersing myself in the wisdom and encouragement that the desiderata brings. i think i have so much envy in my heart and remorse and bitterness. reading the desiderata brings some measure of comfort. i am not poor but my family's needs are getting to be bigger and more complicated as time passes. i am trying hard to live by the dictum " simple living, high thinking" but seeing my family struggling to cope with the demands of this current times -- must-haves now are mobile phones, ipods or mp3/mp4 players, updated versions of home appliances-- really make my heart bleed.

of course my family understands how i really like to live life. nothing fancy. much just like a leaf that hangs upon a strong twig high up on a tree branch. when a bird comes down to perch, the leaf listens attentively to the lively birdsong. when sunlight manages to pierce through the upper conglomeration of leaves, the leaf basks in the sun's heat. then, slowly turns brown and crisp and lets go of twig to fall when falling time has come.

then, comes the Leafpicker who'll pick it up, and whistling his favorite tune, carries the leaf over to the rest of the pile of fallen leaves. the Leafpicker may dig a large enough hole and bury the leaves, or he may build a fire and burn them, or just leave them be to rot naturally....