a pinch of melancholy

the afternoon was quiet. i just completed running an errand for the wife. submitted some documents for her office. it was my day off. i decided to drop by my favorite coffee nook and while the time away. another hard earned forty-five pesos eased out of my wallet. i'd admit it's worth it though because right there in that coffee stall i am able to unwind, to de-stress. i am able to gather the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle self that unwisely got scattered during these five days of stressful work of this week just passed.

my nose quivered at the bitter aroma of the freshly brewed coffee in front of me.  the wisps of smoke rising from the surface of the black liquid faintly betray its hotness. i dared not touch it to my lips yet. i can wait. i dropped half a teaspoon of brown sugar and about three spoonfuls of fresh milk and stirred the mixture.  wisps of smoke escaped upwards again.  i recalled the first line of one of henry david thoreau's poems -- "light winged smoke, Icarian bird". i could not remember the rest. it is of course a reference to Icarus of Greek mythology.

the hot liquid in front of me turned khaki now. this is how i like it this time. i held the waxened paper cup lightly with my right hand and turned it around slowly. there was this fine print in the cup. i think this was the first time i've noticed it. it read -- "love at first sip." i smiled in amusement and nodded in agreement.

it's time.

i lifted the cup slowly and held it about an eighth of an inch near my lower lip. a few seconds later, i felt the coffee's cozy heat hovering gently over my cheeks and my nose. i know i can tolerate the hotness now.  i took my first sip. immediately,  relaxing warmth filled the insides of my mouth and my tongue welcomed the bittersweet taste. i took a bigger gulp and swallowed. warmth slid down my throat, caressed my chest, and settled in my abdominal area.

i am gathering pieces of my jigsaw puzzle self. i am becoming whole again.

i silently recited a verse i love from the writings of that great spanish mystic, st. john-of-the-cross:

" the conditions of a solitary bird are five:

first, it flies to the highest point,
second, it does not suffer for company not even of its own kind,
third, it aims its beak to the skies,
fourth, it has no definite color,
fifth, it sings very softly. "


i am whole again.

questions to ask when you're alone

i am sad
because i sense your sadness;
i am joyful
because i  feel your joyfulness;
being so attached to you
i find these emotions.
if i detach myself from you
will i find them too?
if i detach myself from you,
if i dissociate,
what then will i find?
what will the heart communicate?
what ancient feelings will emerge?


if i detach myself from you,
if i dissociate, 
whom will i feel sorry for?
whom will i feel happy for?

lost in the mall

i saw her. she was standing right by the foot of the mall's escalator. this little girl, about 5 years old, was obviously confused. she was in a pretty pink dress and her hair was pony-tailed with a white ribbon. she was looking to her left and right, also upwards the escalator. there was apprehension on her face. near tears. i immediately knew what was happening. she's lost.

i watched her. she was biding her time. looking left. right, upwards at the escalator. she's hoping her companions would come back for her. from the time i first glimpsed her i believed about 6 minutes had passed. no one came to fetch  her back. those 6 minutes were of course frighteningly long for a little girl lost. she was crying now. a few people stopped by to talk to her, to comfort her, to cajole, but she was bawling now. she was stomping her feet madly in desperation over not being able to be with her companions. finally, one of the ladies who were talking to her walked towards where the mall's security persons were stationed. she came back with one of the lady mall-guards in tow.

it's amusing how a uniform can easily project authority and trust. when the little girl saw the lady mall-guard, she immediately stopped bawling. the guard knelt down beside her and spoke with her. i saw the little one nod a few times as the guard explained something to her, then there was that relieved smile on her face. the lady guard took the girl by the hand and ushered her upwards to the escalator. i know what will happen. the mall has standard procedure for lost children. she will be taken to a waiting or claim area. her  name and her companion's name, if she can provide it, will be announced via the public address system. the announcement will include a description of her. this will be periodically repeated until she is reunited with her fellows.

i thought the  most probable reason she got separated is because she and her companions got distracted by the sights and sounds in the mall that nobody noticed she had wandered far or that she was no longer walking with them.

ah, the mall. it's really very easy for one's attention to be diverted by it's various forms of entertainment. food shops, clothing stores, jewelry displays, electronics gadgets, game shops .. one is easily entertained just by merely window shopping. you don't need to buy anything at the moment. just look and imagine that in the very near future your home will be showcasing these latest trends in entertainment. 45-inch flat screen high definition tv complete with its own set of high-tech accessories. then, this small electronics tablet of course which you can use to socialize over the web. the 200-meter diver's watch in titanium alloy dangling heavily by your right wrist ... oh, surely a lot of things to occupy the mind and senses.

of course the little girl did not think of these but her mind also got regaled by her own little girl's fantasies when she visited the mall.

we are all somehow like the little girl. sidetracked by the "glamour of the outer life". by the entertainment of the material pleasures. for some period of time, we will be regaled, and then we will come to a point where we will realize we are lost. that this earth mall is not home. it's natural to cry, to be upset, to be apprehensive, that we are not where we should be. what is important is to realize we are lost and to find somebody to bring us to our companions.

to find the way back home.