expecting fatherhood

it was a faint voice at the other end of the line. it was my daughter.


"pop, i'm sick," she declared feebly, "i have a fever. i already skipped class, sorry."


"have you taken any medicines?" i asked worriedly, "it's better if you can come home. nobody will look after you there at the dorm."


"yes, i took a medicine for fever. i'll rest for a bit then go home."


 at home, she immediately collapsed on her bed and tried to sleep. later, when i took her temperature it read 39.6 degrees celsius. rather high. my brother advised us to visit the doctor. we drove to the nearby hospital. she was asked to undergo the usual lab tests -- urinalysis, blood tests. because of a breakout of dengue, these procedures are standard tests especially for those who ran high fever. her tests were fine. she was diagnosed for tonsilitis. her tonsils were very swollen hence the fever. probably too much cold soda. the doctor prescribed some pills for her and advised her to gargle regularly. i took the prescription and told my daughter to wait for me at my brother's car. he and his wife actually drove us to the hospital. bless them!


i was made to wait at the pharmacy while the aide went to the stockroom to fetch fresh stocks of the medicines i was buying. i  sat at one of the nearby empty benches. this was when i noticed this young man of about 20. he has this uneasy, worried look in his face. he keeps on pacing back and forth, back and forth in front of one of the closed doors. he seems to be marching, measuring his steps. talking to himself. seemingly psyching himself up. he just can't seem to stay  in one place. he periodically stops only to cautiously open the door he's guarding to peer inside. then he slowly closes it again and goes back to his march. i looked at him more attentively and behold, i caught it, that nervous, eager glint in his eyes. i had that once. and i knew it. his wife is soon to deliver his baby.


i smiled silently to myself and allowed my thoughts to drift back in time when i was like him. when i had the nervous, excited, expectant look. except that unlike him i did not march back and forth. i just waited and prayed fervently that both my wife and our baby will be well. when the doctor told me she had delivered our baby and both were doing fine my heart leapt in thankful joy! when they announced it was viewing time, i hurriedly ran to the nursery and there behind its glass wall, in one of the cribs, i saw her for the first time. my baby girl! all wrinkled and fragile. sleeping comfortably, confidently. a very slight hint of innocent smile on her face.  i talked to myself: sito, you are a father now. you don't know the unwritten laws that governed this birth. why you were chosen to be this newborn's guardian. but, remember you are not just the father of this physical bundle of joy. more so, you are also the father of the divine spark within her. you will be the guardian not just of her material well-being but also of her divine essence. you must be a father to both.


the aide came with the medicines. i stood up and claimed my purchase. as i turned around to walk back to where my daughter was  waiting my eyes locked on the young man again. he noticed me staring but he did not stop his marching. he nervously smiled at me. i smiled back. a father to father smile. i know he understood the message in my eyes -- 


don't worry kid.
every thing will be alright with us. you are expecting your first brush with fatherhood when your baby is delivered into this world, i am expecting my next brush with fatherhood when my daughter discovers her real Self, the Divine Spark in her, and is born into the world of poets, seers, artists, saints.


the Sages and Masters remind us this, that part of the duty of parenthood is not just to usher a soul into the material world but more so to guide it and nurture it until it sees its True Nature and discovers the Divine Life.


when i stepped out of the hospital my daughter scolded me, "Pa, what took you so long?"  i gently placed the back of my right hand by the side of her neck to feel if she still has some fever ... it is starting to subside ...


i silently thanked the Infinite.

the ants of the 22nd floor

one time, last year, after my shift ended, i decided to pay my wife a visit and fetch her from work. their company holds office in a very tall building and they are at the 22nd floor. if i remember right the building has more than 30 floors. i was delighted to find the elevator ride so smooth. i hardly noticed it until a red light flashed 22 and the elevator stopped and automatically opened the door for me.

my wife will not be off till 6 pm so i have to wait for her. i decided to while the time away reading the day's paper and drinking some coffee at their small pantry. after finishing my coffee i stood up to wash the cup but i remembered they don't have any faucet there. used cups and dishes are deposited in a plastic bucket and the office utility person washes them later. i was about to put my used cup into the plastic bucket when my eye caught this frenzy of activity in the bucket. the other used dishes inside are already teeming with ants! my initial reaction was to fill my cup with water and spray it over the ants to disperse them or kill them. but, a nagging question popped in my mind which deterred my evil plan.--- HOW WERE THESE PUNY CREATURES ABLE TO FIND THEIR WAY TO THE 22ND FLOOR?

did they march their way from the ground to way up here? if they did, i surely would love to discover the source of their strength and their energy. it will make me rich!

did they ride the elevator like i did?

did they "beam up" like our captain kirk and his enterprise crew of the famous star trek series? can they teleport? or apparate like harry potter and his magical friends?

did they ride the gentle wind, gliding freely aloft over invisible wings and land unscathed on the 22nd floor window and sneak inside the pantry and guided by their instincts find the unwashed dishes in the bucket?

suddenly, this realization came to me and i am humbled: if these little creatures, these little lives, can find means to scale these heights, these lofty places, how can not i, a man of higher intellect and superior abilities, be able to reach the loftier abodes and planes of existence that my Creator designed me to behold and experience?

it is because i am not trying hard enough. i am not willing it. unlike these ants of the 22nd floor. come to think of it, surely there will be ants even up to the 30th floor!

i am not willing it.

i have let myself be trapped and be deluded by the illusions of this material world. i forgot that i am not just mere physical body. that i am something else. that i have this real Self that transcends death and is designed by its Creator to scale higher planes of existence and eventually to unite with the Creator to enjoy Eternal Truth, Knowledge, and Bliss.

the first step is to awaken. to know that we are not just physical bodies that die and rot and become dust.

it will not take just an ant bite to awaken most every one of us. but, an ant bite especially from an ant of the 22nd floor, might start the mind's wheel to turn inwardly ...

jeepney music and old Sages

we were riding a jeepney on our way to her dormitory. my daughter and me. we were both lost in our own thoughts. suddenly i saw this faint smile on her lips.

"what's funny?" i asked,"you seem so amused."

"aw, it's nothing," she answered, "it's just this music being played on this jeepney. haven't you noticed?"

i paused for awhile to listen. she's right it's not the usual loud music that most of the jeepneys are playing. it's not the usual rap or heavy metal sound where your heartbeat is inconvenienced by the heavy bass line. most of these jeepneys' sound systems are set up to over emphasize the bass component of the sound so that its thump thumping actually thuds against one's chest. personally, i find it unsettling. my chest feels very heavy hearing this over emphatic boom of the bass. it's not music to me. it's unnerving noise. it's like you're inside a war zone in these loud jeepneys. oh, how these drivers love to pump up the volume. perhaps they do this because a lot of the commuters are turned on or attracted by this. maybe this is part of business.

but to this driver it is different. his is easy listening. soft melodious music. a little bit of jazz and blues. the volume is just right. just teasing the ear to strain a bit, not to hear, but to Listen. to Listen. the eardrum does not burst with the bass line. it's just there. you just feel the thump, the thud of its rhythm. the heart sits unruffled and the melody lulls you to think or to ponder or to doze off or to meditate even. to be quiet by yourself.

the old Sages and Masters hint of this. the Infinite, they say, expresses Itself through Light and Sound. each of us has this. Divine Light and Divine Sound, they are just one, they say. when we are able to recognize the divinity within us, our True Self, this will manifest. the Sages refer to this as the Music of the Spheres. the Eternal Sound that permeates all creation. this is not heard by the external ear but is listened to by the inner man. by the inner ear. this is silent sound.

this is the hidden music that the sufi dancers listen to inwardly as they swirl and twirl round and round and round in ecstatic celebration of Life's divinity. this is the music that poets listen to when they choose a word that becomes a component of their poem. this is the music that artists, painters, photographers listen to every time they choose the conglomeration and juxtaposition of colors in a particular moment in their mind' eye.

the old Sages affirm when you hear this you are truly Home. and when you are truly Home then you will be truly Happy.

i smiled back at my daughter but she did not see it. her eyes were closed. i believe that in this instance her mind's eye is choosing a conglomeration and juxtaposition of colors in preparation when she wields her camera to capture one of life's moments. she might be truly Home this instant.

i closed my eyes too. i have to let the inner ears choose the words to fill my next blog or my next poem. i'd like to listen to that silent music, that soothes and caresses, that affirms Life, Light, Love.

i'd like to be truly Home even for a bit of a second ...

i know, all of us would like to be truly Home, to be truly Happy.

**** image by neysa saguid copyright 2010.